Hi there, and welcome to my advice column. It works in a similar way to Dear Abby, in that if people send me questions/dillemas/problems, I will give them advice on how to handle the situation.

The advice is totally free, and I will answer EVERY question asked, avan stupid ones from trolls. To be advised, either post you situation in this thread, or if you wish to remain anonymous PM it to me (I will never reveal you identity but WILL post the question and answer in this thread)

About your advisor: I am a 26 year old American man who started college late and on the way there experienced a boatload of things. I have been poor and homeless, as well as living semi affluent as a kid. I have been madly in love, blindly infatuated, and in some instances concerned with nothing but sex. I have been Christian, Satanic, and now agnostic/atheist. I have worked several jobs, played in bands, and been too depressed to anything at all.

I made this thread because I have noticed that people often ask my advice anyway, and its something I enjoy giving.

If you ask for advice, keep in mind that while this is some what srs buisness, I am also hoping to have some fun with it. So if you follow my advice and things get worse, Im sorry, but I wont take the blame either.

Now go!

Well, first and foremost you have to stop and consider whether or not this girl is really worth moving across the entire damn country to be with. Since I don't know the situation, I will give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this a girl you HAVE met irl and that she is moving to Colorado, as opposed to some girl you met on the Internet and have never seen in person (in which case this whole thing gets a big fat NONONONONO, and if need be I can get into why). So, really stop and think about this. If you are planning on doing this I am going to guess that this is a girl you want to marry, which is awesome, and if that is the case I wont try to convince you otherwise because I know you wont listen. So, maybe the answer lies in trying to find a different solution to the problem. Could she move to Ohio? Or could you both move to somewhere more centrally located? I am willing to bet that your parents would be more open to idea if you weren't talking about moving so far away, like maybe a few states over as opposed to the complete opposite side of the nation.

As a rule, I tend to never make big life decisions based on someone else, and while I'm guessing you are super in love and mushy and AAWWWW...you have to remember that no matter how special the girl is to you, if you stick together long enough, you WILL reach a point where you just don't care. It might not last, and in my opinion if you make it through that then that is how you know for a fact you really do love someone.

So, eh, be careful. Don't go devoting your life to someone without KNOWING its what you want, don't go risking you relationship with your parents for something you aren't sure of, but most of all do what feels right, if you end up in Colorado and things go south, at least you are in Colorado and not Ohio, experience is always a bonus.

As for your penis, check the OLDA girls thread, there is a girl being posted right now who could fix any mans peen.


The only thing you can or should do is be supportive of your brother no matter what happens. Obviously you can make your opinions known, but don't go off and yell at him or plan some intervention or some shit (those barely work with drugs, so yeah). One of the shitty things about family is that they often do things other members of the family don't agree with, a lot of times this causes fights, and eventually you end up losing your brother/sister/whatever because you are too busy being pissed at them for making bad choices that you forget to just be there for them. Not saying this is the case with you, but it could get to that point.

So yeah, trust your brother to make choices that suit HIM best, and above all else remember that regardless of what he does he is still your brother. As for the twins, they might not be able to afford them, but that definitely doesn't mean you should go and suggest they get them aborted or something. The thing about kids is, unless you have an abortion, once they are made there is no stopping them. So just try to help them out, either financially, or by babysitting, or whatever, just being a good Uncle.

It sucks that his girlfriend cheated, and Im sure it made things even worse that it was his best friend. But if he says they have worked things out, then you have to trust him on that one. Unless she is clearly manipulating him (as opposed to just being a human who got curious after 12 years of the same wang), in which case you should say something, just dont get your hopes up about it sinking in.


At least you are going. Plus one great thing about college is that there is plenty of opportunity to meet people. So yeah, cheer up...school is awesome and a whole lot of people don't even get the chance to go.


lol, firs off, you should probably get rid of the idea of "making a living" from being a musician. The fact is that the world is saturated with musicians, and while you might make 20 or 30 bucks by playing a bar show, you typically end up spending way more than you earn. One thing you could do to make some scratch is offer lessons. A lot of people want to learn guitar, but are afraid to try, so having someone there to guide them through it is helpful and they are willing to pay for it.

As for finding a band, if you are in school right now there are probably many, many musicians on your campus, try to find them by going to shows or joining school centred music activities. Another great resource is Craigslist and sites like that. One that I know used to be good is garageband.com, though I'm not sure if it is still in operation. But yeah, either way, don't plan on making money for your music, because it almost never happens. If you want to play live, do it for the experience of playing a show, because its a blast and in some ways its way more awesome than a paycheck.


Well, since they were nice and gave you a week, get a high powered magnet, take out your PCs hard drive and run the magnet over the top of it in one direction 3 or 4 times. This will brick the hard drive and erase the volumes of CP you probably have on there, as well as any other incriminating evidence. Again, you are lucky they gave you prior notice, and a whole week to get ready. What I would do is find a local drug dealer and purchase as much Acid or Mushrooms or PCP or other potent hallucinogen as you can afford and eat it all at one time. When the police show up, if you aren't dead, you will be so far gone that you wont know what is happening. Chances are you will get off with an insanity plea, and even if that doesn't work your brain should left a vegetable from the drugs, so you wont mind getting raped in the ass in prison.


See above. Or just leave the country.


Well, just be their friend. It sucks that they are always depressed, but I'm guessing this is someone who is a bit younger (a teenager I mean) and a lot of times people get depressed for no reason during this time simply because of hormones and highschool drama. Either way though, the best thing to do is to do what you can to let the person know you are there for them. Dont harp on the subject too much, as that will just keep in the forefront of their heads and might make them think there really IS something wrong with them, when in reality they are just normal people. But let them know that if they do ever get an idea of what is wrong that they can talk to you about it. Also, try to get them out of it without expressly stating that that is what you are doing. So if they are sitting at home depressed, ask them if they want to go out and do something, if not, persist a bit, but don't press too much. You wont be able to "fix" the problem for the person, so if nothing works, dont give up on them. However, if you constantly invite the person out and they constantly refuse, remember that ultimately it is there choice, sometimes a person just needs to be left alone after all.

The main thing is, let them know they aren't worthless, not by telling them, but by showing them.


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Wasn't expecting this many posts good stuff. Keep em coming.

Well, the best thing (morally) to do in this sort of situation is to try to accomplish your goal without being dishonest to anyone. So, if you think it would be safe, just be upfront with the girls and say something like "hey, I'm not really looking for anything super serious right now, but I really dig you." Depending on the girl, they will either accept or reject the idea (more often than not, sadly, the girl will reject it).

If either of them accepts, congrats use a condom and don't let guilt get in your way. Just remember not to USE them, but to try to have fun WITH them, not at their expense.

Now, in the more likely event that this sort of open philandering is not an option, first you should consider whether or not this is something you are really ok with doing. All guys talk shit, but I have also found that if you ask any guy his honest opinion he will tell you that 9 times out of 10 he would rather get involved with someone than just fuck and run. Casual sex can be fun, but it also tends to leave the participants feeling empty and dirty, usually because people who THINK they know what they are in for really don't. Still something you want to do? Are you ready to risk feeling like a worthless whore? If so, read on.

O.k., so two girls like you, and you want to get some without one hand knowing what the other is doing I suppose. The ONLY way that this will work is if you lie. Lie a lot, lie like you have never lied before, and don't stop to consider these poor girls feelings. You will have to be callous. Your best bet is to set up dates on different days with each one. It will probably take a few dates for each girl, so you have a lot of planning and organising to do. If you can manage that and keep it going long enough to get to second base or so, than you can figure out what would be the best way to manipulate your way into their pants, but again, you will have to be a liar.

Honestly this is something I don't condone because manipulation is one of my HUGE pet peeves with people. Personally I hope you get dick warts from this little adventure, but eh, to each their own, and at the end of the day I don't judge you. Just don't be surprised when one of the girls finds out about the other, because it WILL happen (there are no free rides in life after all). When this happens, depending on the girl, you will most likely have at least one guy looking to kick your ass, though it could be a few. Hopefully you know how to fight.

Bottom line, if you end up getting some, and everyone is over 18, film it and send it to me. Because a slime ball such yourself doesn't care anyway, and I will never turn down free pr0n.

lol, dick. "avan" is the sort of stupid typos you make when you type as much as I do. It was supposed to be "even" but honestly looking at my keyboard, it doenst make any sense that I would slip and hit "a" twice...but, eh, I will edit it I guess.


Well, for now I think it would be best to keep it to PMs. Not to sound like a pompous fuck wit, but if everyone started advising everyone else than this thread would just be "general advice". If enough people ask though, I supposed there is nothing I could do to stop it :P

Fee makes a good point actually, getting drunk often leads to sex. However, its not the ONLY way and I certainly wouldn't say it is the best. I was buzzed a little my first time, and honestly it pales in comparison to my others...that depends on the person obviously, and while there is a time and place for everything, from my experience sober sex is awesome and drunk sex is usually sloppy.

So then, how do you get to that point? Well, sadly it is largely dependent on the girl. If you are trying to bang a super devout Christian (I spent four year on that quest :P) your best hope is marriage, but eh, that's a terrible reason to get married, so you're probably better off finding a good old fashioned heathen girl who won't be concerned whether or not Jesus will cry if you guys bone.

Again, its really hard to say without knowing the girl what sorts of things will work. Some girls love being complimented, others view you overtly adoring them as a sort of weakness. I think it is safe to say that typically women want something emotional as well as sexual, but on the other hand women also get horny and just as often might be out for nothing more than a good time.

So, what do? Well, assuming you have found a girl whom you understand and who understands you as well, it will most likely happen sort of on its own accord. Teenage sex is almost always awkward, especially if it is your first time, so let it happen when it happens. If you rush it, or press your girlfriend too much, you are guaranteed to have a shitty experience...yes, it really can suck balls and you are better off not even doing it if the situation isnt at least partially a good one. All those frat/jock guys who fuck like its a sport, sadly they are missing out because for them sex has become more buisness than pleasure/intimacy, and thats just kinda lame.

Also I would have to disagree with fee on the whole virgin thing. There is this myth that if a girl has sex with more than "x" number of people than she is somehow bad or gross (the common words are whore and slut :P). I would have to whole heartedly disagree with this. One of the coolest girls I have ever met has had sex with more people than I can count on my fingers and toes. Is this is a girl I would date? Absolutely, were it not for the fact that she has serious commitment issues when it comes to sex (clearly), other than that though she is an amazing person, more accepting and caring than 90% of the people I meet in daily life. Would I have casual fun with her, OF COURSE! Sure, she has been around, but so what? Just because she enjoys it and is a little bit...well...more open than other girls doesn't mean it would somehow be less enjoyable, in fact since she has experience she would probably be a more enjoyable partner than someone who has never done it before. Obviously you ALWAYS have to worry about STDs, but thats what condoms are for, they might make things a little less enjoyable, but only a little, and it certainly beats getting herpes or teh hiv.

But yeah, Marco, you seem like a good dude. It will happen when it happens, and if you want to speed it up, try either talking about it with your girlfriend, or just keep going until she tells you to stop (which you ALWAYS listen to), you might be surprised :P

Yeah, that does make things more shitty. But yeah, but be there for him, and if you need someone to talk to about it either ask your parents or guardians or maybe someone at school. Stuff can be confusing, and its important to talk it out with people.


:P I didn't mean to Fee. I figured you weren't you aren't an asshole, I just wanted to make a point about the whole virgin=better girl thing and how its generally stupid. And yes, that is a good point about being comfortable with someone who is also not experienced. lol, I remember one girl laughed at me after we kissed (it was my first French kiss) and felt like a total tool. I suppose with this that same thing could be amplified.


There is an old Russian saying that I think applies nicely to this situation, and one I wish I had followed with my first serious girlfriend, "A man who chases two rabbits, doesnt catch either of them". So basically, make up your mind, and pick one. Worrying about both will only leave you and both girls alone or with someone else.

As for the super hot girl, sometimes, not always, but sometimes, really pretty girls like to leave you guessing. She might be totally uninterested, but enjoy knowing that she has you wondering or that she is taking attention away from kinda hot girl. Or, and I think this is more likely, a lot of times when you are attracted to someone it is easy to misread normal things as being signs of interest. She might be just being friendly with you after all. Of course, there is always the possibility that she DOES like you and is just waiting for you to make a move. Since I am not in the situation it would be dumb of me to try and say which one fits best, but I think you can figure it out if you are honest with yourself.

The other girl, the one who is "pretty hot but..." is obviously your safest bet. However, you also shouldn't waste the girls time if you arent interested in her, or are more interested in someone else. So basically don't do that ass hole thing where you try for the one girl but keep the other one waiting in case it doesn't work out with the super hot girl.

You can't pick who you are attracted to, it just doesnt work. And when you have to decide between two people, its a pain in the ass. So either way, bottom line, make a choice, and stick with it no matter what the consequences. If you go after super hot girl and it works, awesome! If she doesnt like you though, dont expect kinda hot girl to still be waiting, and even if she is it would be dishonest of you to do anything with her. If you decide that you DO indeed want to try with kinda hot girl, forget about super hot girl entirely and focus on trying to make kinda hot girl happy. Remember, you can only chase one rabbit at a time, and in the end as long as you pick one instead of worrying about both and running back and forth like a tool, it normally works out for the best.

lol, I do that sometimes the easily angered and arguing thing.

Anyways, it depends on what you mean by "deal with". If you mean communicate effectively, than your best bet is to just be level headed with them and try to avoid saying anything that you know will set them off. It sucks to have to trim your words for people, and in most cases I would not suggest it to anyone for any reason. But eh, if you know someone will flip the fuck out over nothing, you might be able to reach them better by being coy and using your words cautiously.

If you mean "how do I get a point across to this person and make them see what I mean" my advice would be to give up now. People, and especially people on the internet very rarely change their point of view. And one thing about the internet is that even if they do, they can go on posting like they didnt, just to save face. So, when debating something on the interbuts, state your opinion, give points and counter arguments when you can, but in the long run dont plan on changing anyones outlook. The best you can hope for is to spread information and hope it sticks somewhere.


hmmmmm...so, the girl likes you, she hugs you in public, and when you are out of school is I'm guessing MORE intimate? Reanimator, it sounds like all you have to do is keep this going. Return her a affection a bit, and if she is more close to you in private than in public, be happy because most people are like that and those people who are super mushy and kissy in public are annoying.

If I am wrong, and she is ONLY hugging and saying hi and being nice in public, that's another situation, and could stem from a number of reasons. Anything from her wanting to impress someone else, to her being into you, but only feeling comfortable when others are around because she knows things wont get out of hand.

Either way, I say go for it. How exactly you do that will be up to you to figure out, but there is no sense in not at least trying. One general piece of advice I can give is to not put too much pressure on her. Even if she likes you, if you get all weird on her she may very well stop, so no acting creepy and being quiet or randomly grabbing her somewhere you shouldn't or something. Normally talking about things openly is a safe bet, but some girls are also sticklers for letting things happen without being spoken on. You will have to figure out on your own what sort of girl she is, and move from there.

What I REALLY want to get across though (since it was the first thing you said in your post), is that you need to kick that "Im not the best looking guy" shit out of your head. Nobody is the best looking guy, and one wonderful thing about many women is that looks can be secondary to them (at least they are more likely to be like that than men are). But even so, even if you are horribly disfigured, being self assured will do more for a person than good looks could ever do, that's why you see so many ugly d-bags with smokin hot girlfriends. Those ugly d-bags aren't worried about whether or not they are ugly d-bags, and people (including women) see that and are naturally drawn to it and respect it. So yeah, first things first, and above all else, don't worry about whether or not she likes you not only is there nothing you can do to change it if she doesn't, but 9 times out of 10 doing that only lowers your chances because instead of being yourself (which is what any person wants in a significant other) you are more worried about being someone YOU think the person will like.

Seriously man, it sounds like you have this one in the bag. Just DOOO EEETT!

Cocaine.


The only thing you CAN do to fix this problem is to man up and do the homework etc. Sorry homey, no easy way out.


In the dryer. Or in the sun. Or in the corner of your room over a persiod of a day or two. Or go down town and pay a crack addict to do it for you, they like doing things for people.


I DO NOT CONDONE UNERAGE DRINKING!!! Seriously, you would probably just get sick anyways and puke and get caught. That being said, I'm sure you wont be the only one planning on drinking, normally at stuff like that the kids go to the basement and sneak some booze with them. If you want to play it safe, bring an opauqe bottle with you and weasle your way to the booz. Fill the bottle up, and throughout the night mix it in with whatever you are drinking in your normal cup.

As for the weed, there is NO way to smoke and not cough. My roomate has been smoking every day for the better part of 20 years, and she still coughs her ass off. Your best bet is to not smoke it in the first place, but eh, there are worse things you could be doing.


If Guv'na didnt satisfy your need for felatio, see the advice I gave Phail about going downtown, only substitute "sucking dick" for "drying clothes". Should be cheap, which is how I know you like it.

Well, man, like I told fat0ninja, there really is no way to "fix" this. Like, this is something I have struggled with my entire life (notice how many replies this thread got over the three days it was open, because when I was doing this I probably should have been doing homework >.>) and there really is no easy or simple way to get around it. You're only choice is to suck it up, and do the shit.

Depending on the person, you might have some sort of behavioural issues that may be negatively affecting you. I spent a long time thinking this sort of thing was bullshit, and while I DO still think that ADD and ADHD are over diagnosed (either for an easy answer or to move prescriptions) but I also have come to realise that there is a good amount of validity to it all in some cases. God knows school has never been something I have the patience or discipline for, even though I really do love to learn and have been told I am at least moderately intelligent. Which is, I'm guessing, the case with you and fat0ninja and a whole lot of other people, you aren't dumb, you just don't do the shit.

It might help to talk to your parents or guardians or whoever will listen and could do something about it, talk to them honestly. Just tell them you cant bring yourself to do anything, you don't know why, and you want to fix it. Other than that, the only advice I could ever give, and the only thing you are likely to ever hear is "man up and just do the shit" and admittedly sometimes it isn't that simple...

Now I'm off to do homework :/ I'm creeping up on 30 and still doing homework. lol, life is grand.