Original Post
Im an idot
idot got triggered by random niche Internet group and starts throwing his pain and childhood wounds onto random internet video game moderators to self soothe
Moderators moderate his behaviour
Ego explosion
Moderation
Pause
Ego explosion
Pause
Ego explosion
Pause
Counselling.
TW: s/a
Shit post preface out of the way; I used to be called alexywalex/controla. I was once ES, a title I earned with the goal in mind of having the tricker subcommunity get some representation, but due to my own lack of communication skills stemming from deep seated childhood wounds and insecurities I acted out and rigged a decap prize as some form of childish retaliation when I felt like the subcomminity i represented in this game was being poorly treated at the time. This came to light and I was removed from the staff team (rightly so, i crossed boundaries and abused my position and was removed swiftly upon evidence being presented)
I guess I used this community in a lot of really unconsious and detrimental ways; both for my own mental health and for the mental health of those who I interacted with and projected my pain onto.
If I ever interacted with you and you have had hostility from me I can only apologise . I do not want any empathy or pity for the strife I have encountered in my life because I have been learning about Indian philosophy and reincarnation and I believe that I must truly have been an awful person in my past life and died before my karmic balance came in order to experience this now in this lifetime and I accept it and am grateful for all the lessons my challenges have brought me. I know the majority of players and forum posters will read this with confusion and have no idea who I am which is funny, but I wrote this post mainly just with the intention of being completely authentic and showing my true self, what led me to do the dumb shit I did, and what steps I am taking to improve my life and become a better human being,and to apologise directly to Icky for the false accusations I made against him using an alt account a couple of years ago during the midst of a mental health crisis. Icky, even if your advice about getting mental health support was a sly dagger(I'm not saying that i think it was, by the way), it has led to wonderful developments in my personal life and I'm very grateful
I've become a much happier person all round, moved into a new house out of the awful flat we were in before, had a child, I've started growing my own organic veg and have built a duck pond too my next step is building the enclosure to house the ducks and then going to pick up the ducklings from the closest breeder. Of course not every day is good and recently with all the drama going off on toribash (and my own personal drama in irl land) I had another Ego explosion on the discord and it's led me to make this post
I am rather embarrassed writing this all out but alas; this embarrassment is not as heavy as weight to carry as the guilt of the actions from my past self
TLDR
Who da fuk is dis guy
-----
I am so sorry I had off topic open on another tab on my phone this is not where I intended on making this post 😅
Moderators moderate his behaviour
Ego explosion
Moderation
Pause
Ego explosion
Pause
Ego explosion
Pause
Counselling.
TW: s/a
Shit post preface out of the way; I used to be called alexywalex/controla. I was once ES, a title I earned with the goal in mind of having the tricker subcommunity get some representation, but due to my own lack of communication skills stemming from deep seated childhood wounds and insecurities I acted out and rigged a decap prize as some form of childish retaliation when I felt like the subcomminity i represented in this game was being poorly treated at the time. This came to light and I was removed from the staff team (rightly so, i crossed boundaries and abused my position and was removed swiftly upon evidence being presented)
I guess I used this community in a lot of really unconsious and detrimental ways; both for my own mental health and for the mental health of those who I interacted with and projected my pain onto.
If I ever interacted with you and you have had hostility from me I can only apologise . I do not want any empathy or pity for the strife I have encountered in my life because I have been learning about Indian philosophy and reincarnation and I believe that I must truly have been an awful person in my past life and died before my karmic balance came in order to experience this now in this lifetime and I accept it and am grateful for all the lessons my challenges have brought me. I know the majority of players and forum posters will read this with confusion and have no idea who I am which is funny, but I wrote this post mainly just with the intention of being completely authentic and showing my true self, what led me to do the dumb shit I did, and what steps I am taking to improve my life and become a better human being,and to apologise directly to Icky for the false accusations I made against him using an alt account a couple of years ago during the midst of a mental health crisis. Icky, even if your advice about getting mental health support was a sly dagger(I'm not saying that i think it was, by the way), it has led to wonderful developments in my personal life and I'm very grateful
I've become a much happier person all round, moved into a new house out of the awful flat we were in before, had a child, I've started growing my own organic veg and have built a duck pond too my next step is building the enclosure to house the ducks and then going to pick up the ducklings from the closest breeder. Of course not every day is good and recently with all the drama going off on toribash (and my own personal drama in irl land) I had another Ego explosion on the discord and it's led me to make this post
I am rather embarrassed writing this all out but alas; this embarrassment is not as heavy as weight to carry as the guilt of the actions from my past self
TLDR
Who da fuk is dis guy
-----
I am so sorry I had off topic open on another tab on my phone this is not where I intended on making this post 😅
Last edited by Gabe; Jun 26, 2026 at 07:59 AM.
haters be seething
basically, I'm leaving the community now to focus on the betterment of my mental health in order to prevent myself from projecting this pain Ive been carrying with me into the wrong places, give myself space to focus on my music that actually makes me and the people i care about feel good inside, and maybe if I feel like it, I will come back when I'm more healed and have something healthy to show for it all
TDLR : British people are narcissistic in nature because they live in fear of an oppressive regime which enforced roman catholicism (In my perception, a violent bloody cult worshiping a fallen angel) to be indoctrinated upon every child here from birth due to the invasion of our country many many years ago and not a lot of british mfs will admit that
-----
I genuinely have love in my heart for everyone of you, even those I took the petty foolish desire to "troll" or try and wind up at an attempt to amuse myself to soothe my damaged ego, and I have learned a lot from this community. I will hopefully return with something that I can actually teach, rather than continuously subtracting from this place
basically, I'm leaving the community now to focus on the betterment of my mental health in order to prevent myself from projecting this pain Ive been carrying with me into the wrong places, give myself space to focus on my music that actually makes me and the people i care about feel good inside, and maybe if I feel like it, I will come back when I'm more healed and have something healthy to show for it all
TDLR : British people are narcissistic in nature because they live in fear of an oppressive regime which enforced roman catholicism (In my perception, a violent bloody cult worshiping a fallen angel) to be indoctrinated upon every child here from birth due to the invasion of our country many many years ago and not a lot of british mfs will admit that
-----
I genuinely have love in my heart for everyone of you, even those I took the petty foolish desire to "troll" or try and wind up at an attempt to amuse myself to soothe my damaged ego, and I have learned a lot from this community. I will hopefully return with something that I can actually teach, rather than continuously subtracting from this place
Last edited by psilocybe; Jun 27, 2026 at 02:43 AM.
Reason: <24 hour edit/bump
