Toribash
Original Post
[LIT] The Ogre Commandoes
Yeah, i apologize for the tag, but i didn't see any rules regarding litterature tags. I won't go as far as calling my writing an art, and i believe that the [ART] tag is misleading. There is no visual art here, just writing.

ANYWAYS, the story itself. It's a sci-fi story, set on a different planet in the far future. A veeeeeeeeeeeery short summary:
We follow a commando of the Interstellar Federation, Ogar (who is an ogre), on his mission to kill the evil pirate overlord, Sxalmok (alien humanoid insect). Ogar's brother, Thudd (who is also an ogre), is also on the mission. During the mission, there are many surprises for the duo, though they also dole out some surprising themselves. How will it go? Read the story to find out! (hee hee.)

Part 1
DeviantArt: http://shook12.deviantart.com/#/d38t4d7
PDF version: http://www.box.net/shared/snaz5t3x5a

Part 2
DeviantArt: http://shook12.deviantart.com/#/d38z5aw
PDF version: http://www.box.net/shared/nnrg5e03ug

I know it's quite long, and believe me, you haven't seen half of it yet. Very literally. This is the first half of the first day, and there will be at least three days, if i ever get around to it. And no, the amount of cursing isn't going to decrease.

Soooo... Enjoy? And do tell me what you think. I quite like how it turned out myself, though that goes without saying.
Last edited by Shook; Feb 7, 2011 at 01:27 AM.
<Blam|Homework> oiubt veubg
various places to find me lol
Eh, needs to be member to see it. Can you copy/paste part of it (you chose something that u think is the best) and just post it here.
Ach, totally forgot that i gave it a mature content warning. Here's a suitable snip:
...

Our banter continued for a while, but it was suddenly stopped once we entered the station's stealth field(s). It was now entirely visible. Holy shit.

"We might have a big task ahead of us."

"Better go to the toilet, then. Even though I want to piss on Sxalmok's corpse."

"Very unprofessional, bro."

"Psh, don't act like you hadn't thought of it either."

I swear, sometimes I think that guy's psychic. Doing that would probably not fall in well with the officers, though, so we'll just kill him in a most gruesome manner. After the toilet break, we get ready for touchdown. 3... 2... 1... Ka-chunk. we're down.

"Hmm, no greeting party. That's good. Maybe we didn't get seen."

"Hopefully. Then again, I do love me some action."

"You're insane, but I like your train of thoughts. Let's keep the action for when they do notice us, though."

"Yup."

Time to get up and out. We looked around in the dock. Not a soul in sight.

"It's suspiciously empty in here."

"Check with your goggles."

"Mhm."

I slid the goggles down on my eyes.

"... Oh crap."

"What?"

"Well, let me put it like this. Show time!"

Thudd put on his goggles, and then fired up the most hardcore action smile I'd seen from him so far. I couldn't help mimicking him. We both activated our shock fists and grabbed our boomsticks.

"AHOY, CRIMINALS! We're the Stonefist brothers, and we're here to ruin your day!"

"Holy crap that was cheesy."

"Oh shut up, you couldn't do better. Start killing, you!"

"Right-o!"

And with that, I charged right into a firing line of cloaked mooks. They seemed surprised that we could see them, but had already opened fire. Masses of bullets pounded against my armour, but none of them did any significant damage. As I closed in, their faces changed from combat mode to oh-crap mode. Completely justified, since I blasted into their group, knocking half of them to the ground and outright killing one with the impact alone. Must have hit some vital area or something. I turned to face the ones still standing, and blew one of them away with my boomstick. Oh how I love this gun. So blasty, so powerful, so LOUD. The poor sod ended up missing the left side of his chest, along with the arm, and slumped to the ground. Suddenly, I felt a sharp impact to the back of my head. Ouch. I spun around, and grabbed the idiot who just struck me with an axe.

"In Soviet Russia, you kill ogre. Too bad this ain't Soviet Russia."

I then proceeded to brutally choke slam him to the ground, breaking his neck and killing him. Then there was the sound of a metal object hitting the ground near me. What could- Oh, SHIT! The grenade exploded, and knocked me down. This is NOT a good position. Not long after, four assault rifles were pointed at me.

"Well hey there guys. Did your parents never teach you to not tempt fate?"

They looked confused for a moment. Just what I needed. In one big motion, I swept their legs away from under them. It's not like we haven't trained for situations like this in the academy. That's right, we're actually TRAINED to say things like that, just to confuse the enemies and thus make an opening. As they were lying down, I stomped across two of them, shot the third in the head and grabbed the fourth by the leg. I lifted him up from the floor.

"Moments ago, I was down there where your friends are. Care to explain how the tables turned so quickly?"

He just had a defiant look in his face.

"What, aren't you going to beg for your life?"

"So you can humiliate me? Hell no, you fucking monkey. I wish your entire family gets killed in a fire!"

"Tough guy, eh?"

I then dropped him on his head. He got up and rubbed his head.

"Well since you're so tough, I bet you think you can take me on in a fistfight."

"What?"

"I said fistfight, you brain-dead bug. Do I have to spell it out?"

He looked reluctant. But suddenly, he brought out a knife and went for my throat. Too slowly though, since I deflected his swipe. Well, I guess he needed to even out the odds a little. He recovered, and swung again. This time though, I dodged it. And then I retaliated with a massive uppercut that probably broke his neck. I heard a crack, so that must be the reason. Regardless, he's down. Apparently, Thudd had been watching the little show, having obliterated his half of the mooks before I killed the others. He laughed a little.

"Man, you're such a showboater."

"And proud. Might as well have some fun now that we can legally kill people again."

"Hah, true. Even though there's nobody else to see it."

Suddenly, a load of klaxons started blaring. Crap. The alarm was set off, somehow. I know we dispatched these guys really quickly, but the same thing can't be said for everything on this damned station. These guards were meant to surprise us, which obviously failed, but it also shows that Sxalmok was ready for us. Which is real bad. As much as we both hate him, he's a frighteningly good leader. Good enough that he can't possibly have expected those few guards to kill us. Maybe he's just waiting for us to-

"Hostile detected, commencing termination!"

-Make a move. Nope. Apparently he had sent a Cyclops MKII robot to finish us off. Said robot is just a 6 meter tall bipedal killing machine equipped with machine guns, rocket launchers and buzz saws. Oh, and eye lasers. In other words, a BIG problem. Not long after it had blasted through the wall, it ran towards us with machine guns and lasers blazing. Naturally, we dived for cover. Those are not small machine guns.

"Dammit! Why didn't the captain tell us that Sxalmok had such a robot?!"

"Well, it's kind of hard to see through those stealth fields, y'know."

"It was a rhetorical question. Come on; be with me instead of explaining everything!"

"Oh I'm sorry Mr. Rhetorical, but we have a huge robot trying to kill us!"

He's right, y'know. I just barely got out of the way, before a large buzz saw crashed down and split the crate I was hiding behind.

"Whoa! Now, how do we break this bastard?"

"Well it would be simple if I had brought my rocket launcher."

"Excellent observation, now give me a hand here before that thing atomizes me."

Thudd shot at the robot with his gun. It turned around and launched a rocket at him.

"OH SHI-"

He BARELY avoided a direct hit, instead getting flung through the air by the blast.

"Thudd, you alright?!"

"Of course I'm not alright, that bitch shot a rocket at me!"

"I saw that, yes."

"Oh shut it, time to end this!"

After a while of running and gunning, the big bastard had me cornered.

"Shit! Get your ass moving and break this thing!"

Thudd, having climbed up on the wall (half gorilla y'know), jumped down on the robot's back with a loud roar. He also had the audacity to grab onto it with electricity enabled. It didn't seem none too happy about that.

"Yeehaw! Now, here's some headache medicine!"

He then slapped a large chunk of plastic explosives on the back of its head, and jumped off. Meanwhile, I had escaped to a safer distance. I shot at the robot to get it away from Thudd. Surprise surprise, it launched another rocket. I kind of saw it coming though, so I got out of the way. The robot, angered, charged after me.

"Blast him, Thudd!"

He pressed the detonator. A massive explosion rocked the entire dock, utterly destroying the robot's head. Since it had its vital components in there, it collapsed like a sack of potatoes. A very large one. And it HASN'T STOPPED ROLLING HOLY SHIT! Just barely avoided a collision there. In the distance, Thudd was cheering.

"Score one for the good guys!"

...

That'd be around 15% of the chapter. Also, thanks Alpha. When i get so far, i'll make a PDF for you guys to read, so you don't have to bother registering on deviantArt.
<Blam|Homework> oiubt veubg
various places to find me lol
Its more of a action-comedy SF as I can see. Fast pacing, meant for ''light reading'', a bit naive. But ok since u are young and just starting. Its more of a comic scenario/CGI movie then novel. :]
This bothers me:
''In Soviet Russia u kill ogre. Too bad this is not soviet Russia!''
Setting is on different planet far in future, how the hell they know about Soviet Russia?
You must watch for these kind of things.
Overall:
Can't say, didn't read the whole thing. My opinion is based on part of the SF story.
Yeah, i know the soviet russia thing is a bit iffy (due to a lack of background knowledge in that snip), but it makes more sense when you know that both protagonists originally come from Earth. It's merely a prod at the persistence of silly jokes in this world, but yeah, i see what you mean. I intend to stick with my slightly silly/naive style of writing though, because that's how i always write stories, if at all possible. A personal touch, if you prefer. But thanks for the honesty! I'll have a PDF up soon, if anyone's interested.

Edit: Right, PDF is up. Grab it here:

http://www.box.net/shared/snaz5t3x5a

If you're interested. As Bojan mentioned, it's pretty light reading (barring my occasional use of long words), so don't expect a massively deep plot and extensive mindfuck. That isn't to say it's a childs goodnight-story (more like late teen because its written after midnight exclusively herp durf), but yeah, it's written by an 18 year old student with an overactive imagination. You have been warned.
Last edited by Shook; Feb 6, 2011 at 02:08 AM.
<Blam|Homework> oiubt veubg
various places to find me lol
Downloaded it, Read it...

They kinda invincible are they? I thought you would kill one brother in first part and make other a revenging beast but I guess then we wouldn't have their constant ''we kill this and smile'' talk. Will u introduce new character for the duo to quarrel with? Maybe female one, some witty bounty hunter that needs Sxalmok as bad as they do but alive. Good to have these ''drama'' situations. Just to brake ''Yippee ki-yay motherfuckers'' cartoon. I know they Ogres but even Ogres have some kind of feelings. Cardboard characters are no fun.
Sxalmok - regular evil mastermind, I hope u will ''spice'' him up a bit. Without great villain no great fun.

Waiting chapter 2.

And don't discourage on me cause I'm all ''serious''. I have read it and I'm waiting for more, so it got appeal. I just want more... More ''turmoils''

Also, you're writing in first person. :} you ogre :}
Last edited by 8OJ4N; Feb 6, 2011 at 08:15 AM.
Thanks for reading! And yeah, they are kind of invincible... In the first chapter. Next chapter goes a bit less in their favor, even going so far as to injure them both. And yeah, it's likely that a third protagonist will show up, which might cause a bit of turbulence in the group. As for Sxalmok, there might be some surprises in store. I'm better at doing nonsensical stuff than clever plot twists, though. :U
-----
double post blargh

Anyways, part 2 is out. DeviantArt here, PDF here. Hopefully not too much of a letdown. :U
Last edited by Shook; Feb 7, 2011 at 01:25 AM. Reason: <24 hour edit/bump
<Blam|Homework> oiubt veubg
various places to find me lol
Shook, if I may, I would like to give u this gift (book cover for your SF story) so you continue to write your Ogre adventures in the future. Good Luck man. :]

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH oh my goodness that is so fucking awesome. I am truly speechless. You're awesome, Bojan.
<Blam|Homework> oiubt veubg
various places to find me lol